Zombies!!! The Undead Truth

Okay, maybe it’s just me, but have zombies become the end-of-the-world fad? The fact that zombies will take over has become a more accepted theory on how the world will end. However, I believe the fanaticism of this theory has managed to make being undead a mistake more than a work of horror. Allow me to take a moment to explain why.

Between Max Brooks (WWZ) and Robert Rodriguez (Planet Terror), the world has gone mad over zombies. Even Key & Peele came out with a skit about racist zombies. It has gotten to a point that we have abandoned the very principles of what makes a zombie. So allow me to go over a few points that will bring back the dead.

1. The undead must come back from the dead! Every movie so far has either some unexplained phenomena or a biological attack/accident. Listen, just drink enough bottled water and you’ll turn into a zombie. That probably would’ve made Waterworld a much more interesting movie. Yet, how is it that when it’s an unexplained phenomenon the zombies desire as much flesh as the ones who were biologically infected? That’s because it’s still about a biological terrorist attack. Well, here’s an idea. How can you breathe in a chemical compound that turns you into a flesh eating zombie? You can’t, because you have to die first. An animated human (live person) cannot become reanimated if they’re still alive!

2. Zombies eat brains. That’s right, brains. Not testicles, butt cheeks, and definitely not other zombies. They don’t dine on hearts and they don’t desire blood. Leave that crap to Count Dracula and the Aztecs. Zombies (for some crazy reason) started out with brains. Now, their appetites long for intestines, stomachs, and hearts. It’s as though brains were not enough. Oh wait, it’s because if they don’t like brains (or just desire any kind of flesh) and they were never dead, then they’re not zombies. So, put this on your check list: Does it eat brains? Yes? Then it’s a zombie. No? Then it’s something else. Perhaps it’s a Congressman who lost their way home.

3. Zombies do not have cooties. Has anyone ever seen Pet Cemetery? Okay, if you wanted to bring back a lost loved one (pet or person), you took them to the pet cemetery and poof; they came back from the dead (that’s right, BACK FROM THE DEAD!). Zombies don’t produce other zombies. They don’t have sexual desires and cannot infect others with a simple bite. Leave that to Larry Flynt and Hugh Hefner. Instead, they either come from a place that creates zombies or the place where they came from doesn’t make any more zombies. It starts and finishes with a point of origin. Zombies do not have the initiative for a hostile world take over. They just happened to wake up, and after all that time in the ground, they just want brains. The undead don’t care to repopulate. There are enough dead people who can rise again. They don’t need your help.

So there you have it, my friends. Zombies are a special people. They aren’t biological mishaps or accidents. They don’t evolve. They don’t populate. They eat brains and come back from the dead. Leave the undead alone; they’re having too much of a hassle finding enough living people with brains.

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Slip & FallSeptember 10th, 2013
Slip & Fall is now available on DVD!
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